Aug 5, 2008

Movie Reviews @ The Temple

Mummy 3: Ha, We Got You - GOD DAMMIT!  Fuck me in the face for letting the trailer fool me into thinking this wasn't going to be a horrible fucking mummy movie.  This was even worse than the second one (the first one was alright).  The only redeeming things were great CG on the terra cotta army, good CG on the yetis, and some reasonable fights.  Everything else was fucking horrible.  The plot, what they didn't steal from the Arthur legend or Last Crusade, was dumb.  The dialogue was written, I'm convinced, by a 10 year old child with a learning disability.  The jokes were god awful.  Seriously, a field goal joke from the yetis? SERIOUSLY?!  And hey, how come booby trap makers always make their arrows/darts shoot out in a line running away from the treasure?  Make the arrows start at the other end!  Or, better yet, have them start at both ends and meet in the middle!  And, AND!  I didn't know rachel weisz wasn't in it!  she's the only thing worth looking at when there isn't CG on the screen!  Instead this horrendous woman with her horrendous accent.  When they did her reveal, I seriously thought it was a joke.  I thought the JOKE was that this person pretending to be rachel weisz IN THE STORY was writing books about their adventures and stealing their glory!  I thought, AS A JOKE, that they had her hat covering her face so we could laugh when it was revealed that it's this lady making money off of their lives.  NOPE, not a joke.  Except is is a joke, fuck the audience! haha!

Hancock - Well, this wasn't as bad as everyone seemed to say.  It didn't help that the opening sequence had the worst CG ever since That Movie With Horrible CG.  But then it turns into a decent movie.  Will Smith as a butthole is funny, Jason Bateman is great (though, I gotta say, I think I've got maybe 2 more jason bateman doing jason bateman roles before I'm done).  The second half of the movie was a nice surprise (to me anyway) and I'm glad it wasn't ruined ahead of time.  Over all it was decent, nothing great, but a fun movie to watch once.

The Happening - Ugh, what the hell was up with this movie.  It was just awkward.  The one good thing, it was rather tense at times, I liked that.  And I do appreciate apocolypse everyone-freaks-out type scenarios.  But it was just written so shittily and acted so blandly.  Mark Whalberg was purposefully doing this high school theater bullshit that was so obnoxious.  And here's a good line, Zooey Dechanel: "I don't like to show my emotions either."  Pssst, hey zooey, that's cuz you are a bad actress and don't know how.  I think I remember hearing M Night wanted to make a B movie.  Well, good job, you made a shitty B movie.  Congratulations, what do you win?

21 - Meh, whatevs.  It's an okay movie, I guess.  It's nothing special, it's nothing bad.  Everyone does a fine job, it's just good enough.  The nerdy parts of me resents them taking an awesome real story about these kids and hollywooding it all up.  Everyone's sexy and the plots all twisty and turny and blah blah.  But if you don't know that, it's an okay movie.  Oh, I hate voiceovers, espeically ones that tell you what's right in front of your face.  But whatever, its a fine movie.

Never Back Down - Yeeeeeeeah, this movie sucks nuts.  I know we all knew that from the trailer, but it really does.  It really is just the karate kid + fight club + bad acting/writing = poop on a stick.  The only point of the movie is to be violent and show boobs, and it doesn't even really show boobs.  So that means the only point of the movie is all the fights in the last 20 minutes.  Some are decent, but its not amazing coreography or anything.  So what's the point?  Nothing I guess.  It did have one of my favorite The Bravery songs in the beginning, but all it did was point out how cheesy that song is, doh.

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